Regarding the psychological costs of rejection, perhaps a way forward would be to make an active effort at decoupling the rejection of your work from the rejection of your personhood. I recently got a pitch rejected, and while I felt the same feelings you describe, I also was certain that I was still good at hanging out with my kids, fixing stuff around the house, etc. It’s easy to forget that our work is not the totality of who we are, especially in the internet age, where out twitter selves can become, for us, our real selves.
One idea for the gatekeepers who can no longer scale to provide feedback to everyone: Provide feedback to a limited number of people, chosen at random (with potential prioritization for those who were close to the threshold).
This can be explicitly mentioned in the rejection letter: "We are unable to provide individualized feedback to everyone unfortunately, but we do so for a randomized 10% of candidates. You were [not] selected in this 10%", followed by the feedback if they were selected.
Dec 9, 2023·edited Dec 9, 2023Liked by Étienne Fortier-Dubois
Another fantastic essay!
I too got wasn't accepted to Emergent Ventures (and many other programs) this year. But, at this point, rejections just make me work harder?
Also, realised a while ago that rejections help build focus - if I'd been accepted at any of the jobs/organisations I got rejected from, I wouldn't be on this path. And I really, really like this path.
Reading biographies of people who did great work (and where repeated rejection is among the most common threads) is also helpful.
Robert Langer (founder of Moderna) "applied for research positions at 40 colleges and universities without hearing back from any of them. Nine research grant proposals he wrote were rejected. Then he wrote to hospitals and medical schools to see if they could use a chemical engineer, but he received no offers."
Having been rejected from several competitive positions I really wanted, I deeply resonated with the sinking feeling of disappointment. Feeling delusional. Tempted to lower my ambition, settle.
I struggle to disaggregate setting my sights high (“I want this great job”) with ego/hubris (not willing to take a job I think is below me).
Funny enough, after a few full-time job rejections I spent months on, respectively, I gave up. Decided not to get a full time job after graduating university and lean into writing more fully and see where it takes me. It’s a different type of ambition with its own set of challenges.
While I generally agree with you, I think this essay understates how much easier certain types of rejection are than others. A lot of people embrace the lottery ticket theory of rejection — it doesn't cost me anything to try/apply, and perhaps something wonderful will happen if I do. This approach, at least for me, led me to under-invest in experiencing rejections that actually required a lot of effort and investment, which I think is much more important to push yourself towards as the likelihood and prospect of reward are far greater.
Hey there, I didn't liked your post. (In this moment I'm rejecting you only if you think so. On my mind I simply didn't like the post)
I have been rejected many times, in dating, jobs, meetings, etc. But I didn't expect a better feedback. For me it doesn't matter what does the other person believe. I will keep improving myself up, and keep trying for me.
Rocky Balboa said: "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"
Why somebody should tell you that you have potential? It doesn't matter what he thinks about you.
The thing that matters it what you think about you.
Most people are weak, and fragile mentally. Waiting for others to believe in them so they could believe in them (90% of the people)
The work is inwards no outwards. If we have to give feedback everytime we choose something. We should tell everytime the Cookie, that she isn't good enough to share with my coffee, but she still is a good Cookie for someone else. But this time I will choose the Brownie because it fix better with my coffee.
Regarding the psychological costs of rejection, perhaps a way forward would be to make an active effort at decoupling the rejection of your work from the rejection of your personhood. I recently got a pitch rejected, and while I felt the same feelings you describe, I also was certain that I was still good at hanging out with my kids, fixing stuff around the house, etc. It’s easy to forget that our work is not the totality of who we are, especially in the internet age, where out twitter selves can become, for us, our real selves.
One idea for the gatekeepers who can no longer scale to provide feedback to everyone: Provide feedback to a limited number of people, chosen at random (with potential prioritization for those who were close to the threshold).
This can be explicitly mentioned in the rejection letter: "We are unable to provide individualized feedback to everyone unfortunately, but we do so for a randomized 10% of candidates. You were [not] selected in this 10%", followed by the feedback if they were selected.
Another fantastic essay!
I too got wasn't accepted to Emergent Ventures (and many other programs) this year. But, at this point, rejections just make me work harder?
Also, realised a while ago that rejections help build focus - if I'd been accepted at any of the jobs/organisations I got rejected from, I wouldn't be on this path. And I really, really like this path.
Reading biographies of people who did great work (and where repeated rejection is among the most common threads) is also helpful.
Robert Langer (founder of Moderna) "applied for research positions at 40 colleges and universities without hearing back from any of them. Nine research grant proposals he wrote were rejected. Then he wrote to hospitals and medical schools to see if they could use a chemical engineer, but he received no offers."
https://achievement.org/achiever/robert-s-langer-ph-d/
Venki Ramakrishnan, winner of the 2009 Nobel Prize in Chemistry, struggled to get a faculty position after completing his postdoc in the US. (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39088590-gene-machine).
Thank you for the beautiful writing and for sharing your story!
Really enjoyed this Étienne.
Having been rejected from several competitive positions I really wanted, I deeply resonated with the sinking feeling of disappointment. Feeling delusional. Tempted to lower my ambition, settle.
I struggle to disaggregate setting my sights high (“I want this great job”) with ego/hubris (not willing to take a job I think is below me).
Funny enough, after a few full-time job rejections I spent months on, respectively, I gave up. Decided not to get a full time job after graduating university and lean into writing more fully and see where it takes me. It’s a different type of ambition with its own set of challenges.
Thank you for sharing :)
Hi Etienne,
While I generally agree with you, I think this essay understates how much easier certain types of rejection are than others. A lot of people embrace the lottery ticket theory of rejection — it doesn't cost me anything to try/apply, and perhaps something wonderful will happen if I do. This approach, at least for me, led me to under-invest in experiencing rejections that actually required a lot of effort and investment, which I think is much more important to push yourself towards as the likelihood and prospect of reward are far greater.
Hey there, I didn't liked your post. (In this moment I'm rejecting you only if you think so. On my mind I simply didn't like the post)
I have been rejected many times, in dating, jobs, meetings, etc. But I didn't expect a better feedback. For me it doesn't matter what does the other person believe. I will keep improving myself up, and keep trying for me.
Rocky Balboa said: "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"
Why somebody should tell you that you have potential? It doesn't matter what he thinks about you.
The thing that matters it what you think about you.
Most people are weak, and fragile mentally. Waiting for others to believe in them so they could believe in them (90% of the people)
The work is inwards no outwards. If we have to give feedback everytime we choose something. We should tell everytime the Cookie, that she isn't good enough to share with my coffee, but she still is a good Cookie for someone else. But this time I will choose the Brownie because it fix better with my coffee.
> Sure, that would probably require more gatekeepers. Then let’s hire more!
No, lets not do that...